Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Call me a safe bet, i'm betting i'm not.

"Because nothing makes me happier, and nothing makes me sadder than you."

Life is especially good at throwing curve balls.
It's good at kicking you while you're down.

I really wish that things were different.
Nights are the hardest.
It's like a never ending sadness that encompasses me.
Pressing against my chest,
Making it hard to breathe.
Makes it impossible to sleep.

I've never been the greatest at getting out what I mean.
Not exactly, anyways.
I'm the queen of "I didn't mean it like that." "That's not what I meant."

For the most part I have faith that God has a plan for me.
But there are times that I seriously don't know.
Is there no plan?
Did my own stupidity fuck my life up?
Is it not going to get any better?

I know everyone feels like this.
And I know it does get better.
I really do.

I have never been so god damn lonely in my life.

I have never had no one.
It's a horrible feeling.
I am a person who loves my alone time.
Treasure my alone time.
But when alone time is your only choice, it's hard.
It's hard to come home to my empty house every night.
It's hard to make myself dinner.
And decorate.
And live.

When i'm all alone.

"With nobody in your bed, the night's hard to get through."

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

A Letter To You

"i couldn't sleep last night because i know that it's over between us. i'm not bitter anymore, because i know that what we had was real. and if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, i will smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. the best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. that's what i hope to give to you forever. i love you. i'll be seeing you."


Well, this is something I never thought i'd have to do. Something i'd never have to write. To be honest, I don't know if I truly believe that you are gone. While our relationship ended years ago, you have never left me. You probably never will. Things that happened a lifetime ago I find myself reliving. The good times. Like when we camped in sleeping bags in the bed of your pickup. I don't think we got much sleep. We talked for hours under those stars. When we got our precious Laycee. She was so little. She lit up both of our lives. How many times did I cook you that homemade tomato soup? Probably close to twenty, it was your favorite. Falling asleep to the same things every single night. Joe Dirt, Blow, Super Troopers. They were VHS because our TV in the bedroom was so old a DVD player wouldn't hook up to it. Christmas morning. Waking up together and to my gun you had hidden under the bed. Going hunting together, seeing your face light up in those woods. You glaring at me when I would break branches. Our home was filled with laughter and joy. My many dinner fails, like the cube steak that the breading fell off of. You taught me so much. You were there for so many things. So many firsts. My first deer, first person I lived with, first weim, first person I thought I would marry. First love. First heart break. Some of my darkest days. Sadness. So much sadness. So much growth. So young, so naive. So in love. When you love somebody, that never goes away. When I heard the news, it broke my heart all over again. This is probably one of the hardest things i've been through. We loved each other, deeply. We parted ways. I got better. You got worse. How can I be the happiest i've ever been, and you were so sad you took your life. Why me? Why you? You were doing so great. I loved hearing from your family and friends. You had that smile back they said. You had that laughter, that humor that you were known by. What went wrong? And why? I guess we will never know. Maybe we aren't supposed to know. Maybe this all has meaning. I do know that I loved you. You will always own a piece of my heart. I will keep you there. Your crazy hair and beautiful eyes. That smile that could light up a room. God, that smile. You were ridiculous, funny, kind, loving, beautiful. I will never forget that. I will never forget you. Without you, I would not be where I am. Who I am. How can I thank you for letting me go and giving me the best person i've ever known? For giving me the happiness you always wished upon me. I am sorry that you couldn't find the same. That you looked for happiness and found more sadness and pain. I am sorry that your beautiful niece and nephew will not get to grow up and know the amazing uncle they had. I am sorry that you will never be a father. What a father you would have been. I am sorry that I couldn't help you. That no one could have. Just know I will think of you often. And every time I crack open a Miller Lite or watch the sunset on top of Bloom Peak or get my car new shoes I will know that you are looking down on me.

I loved you then. I love you now. I will love you always.

"maybe your first love is the one that sticks with you because it's the only person who will ever receive all of you. after that, you learn better. but, most of all, no matter what, a piece of you forever remains left behind in the heart of the one you loved - a piece no future lover could ever get, no matter what. that piece holds innocence, the belief that love really can last forever. it holds friendship and pain, trail and error, that one kiss you'll never forget, and that night under the stars you can never get back. it holds youth and everything you thought love would be."

Sunday, January 12, 2014

A Confession

Guys. I have a confession.
A pretty bad one…

I have an obsession with Colin Kaepernick.

Now, you're probably thinking "that's a pretty lame confession." And I would agree with you if I was naive to football. You see, I am a diehard Dallas Cowboys fan. Like, refuse to root for anyone else and would cut off an appendage given the opportunity to make an appearance at Cowboys stadium.

And Colin Kaepernick does not play for the Dallas Cowboys.
Just an FYI.

Don't get me wrong, I love the 'ol boyfriend.
Like immense amounts.

But Colin Kaepernick is one sexy, sexy man. I find myself secretly hoping the 49ers win.
Win it all.

I am repulsing myself.
*excuse my while I puke*

I don't recognize myself anymore, I am not the person who likes other teams. Or other team's players. Especially no other team's quarter-back.

It's very conflicting. I am feel very weird things inside myself. I find myself loving him, yet hating myself at the same time.
Anyone else know what I'm talking about?

Never have I known such happy butterflies, and so much self loathing at the same time.
It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite books.

"And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

I know i'm sounding dramatic, but I just really have a passion for football. And anyone else who does can probably relate to my dramatic thoughts.
It's amazing to me that I can invest myself in a sport I've never even played.

However I am truly invested in how the football season goes.
Every year I hope the Seahawks and Patriots get stomped into the mud.
And that the Cowboys can somehow pull their heads out of their ass long enough to even make it into the play-offs.

This year, though. This year is different.
Now that the Cowboys are out, I find myself hoping the 49ers make it all the way.

I can't bare the thought of sweet, perfect Colin being sad and disappointed.
*le sigh*

Monday, January 6, 2014

25 Before 25

I thought that it would be fun to make a "25 Before 25" list. I have so many things that I want to accomplish, and experience. Maybe having a little list that i can "check off" will push me to take the jump and try new things.

I also thought since this is my first post it could give a little insight into me and my personality. I think you can tell a lot about a person by the things they've done and the things they want to accomplish.

1. See 'Brand New' live - Brand New happens to be my favorite band. Me and my bug (best friend Chel) even have matching Brand New tattoos. I don't know if this is a realistic goal. They don't do live shows often, let alone near me. However, it would make me one happy girl.

2. Run a 5K - I would love to be able to participate in a marathon or even half-marathon one day. However, I don't see that happening anytime before I turn 25. I do not exercise at all right now, so I think this goal is very attainable. I also think it will help me jump-start being active.

3. Get engaged - Listen, I have no time limit on this. I really don't. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't love to be engaged by the time I am 25 though. I'm in a very good place in my relationship, and in no way want to rush things, but I would like to have a ring on my finger sometime in the next three years. I also don't want to do something just because of a time limit, and if it's not in the cards in the next three years I am totally okay with that.

4. Graduate college - Even if this means with just an Associates. I just want to be able to have a degree, and at the pace I'm going I will definitely be done with my Associates long before the 'ol 25th birthday.

5. Go to a winery - Something you guys will soon come to learn is that I am a self-admitted wine addict. I love reds, whites and everything in between. I want to go spend a weekend (ideally) at a winery and drink good wine, watch sunsets and soak it all in.

6. See California - It's almost embarrassing to admit that the only time I've been in the state of California I was confined to LAX. There are so many things I want to see and experience in California. Disneyland, Pinkberry, Hollywood... *sigh*

7. Learn how to crochet - I have been wanting to learn this forever, and have heard that a simple book and some 'ol YouTube videos can get you started.

8. Be debt free - Not including a mortgage. I also may have a car payment, ideally I won't but I won't beat myself up over one. I'm more talking about student loans, and credit cards. It's so easy to put things on a credit card and I don't want to do that. I also get really irritated thinking that I'm paying for student loans that got me nothing.

9. Build a better relationship with my dad - This is kind of a difficult one to explain in a few sentences, but it's something that is very important to me. Me and my father happen to be very alike, probably too much so. This makes it hard to communicate. So building a better father-daughter relationship is something very important to me.

10. Learn how to sew - I have wanted a sewing machine for as long as I can remember. I could sew my own clothing, or alter existing pieces. I could make curtains, and other household items.

11. Eat better - I really want to learn how to be an all-around better eater. I love me some fruits and veggies! However, it seems that after two to three days of eating them I kind of just stop. This is probably because I usually just eat them raw. I would love to learn to cook healthier and incorporate fruits and veggies into more meals.

12. Watch a sunrise - Listen, I love sleep. Like, I would rather sleep then do just about anything. I also am the epitome of a non-morning person. I have watched a million sunsets, but I would love to cuddle up in a blanket and watch the sunrise.

13. Kill a moose - If you're against hunting, this isn't the blog for you. I am an Idaho girl, through and through. I've hunted since I can remember, and it's something that I really enjoy doing. Here in Idaho we only have a limited number of moose tags every year. This means you can't just go buy one and then go try and shoot one. You have to pay some money to get put into a drawing, then they draw for the amount of tags for the year. This means I would have to be drawn for a tag. Here's to hoping! *fingers crossed*

14. Take more pictures - I am a professional screen-shotter. I will screen shot funny e-cards, and memes all day everyday. However, I seem to never take pictures at events or even get togethers. I really want to take more pictures. Hopefully having a blog will help with this. I would also, ideally, love to start scrapbooking!

15. Have some savings - Not only would I like to have all my debts paid off, I would love to have a nice chunk in the 'ol savings account.

16. Paint something - It doesn't have to perfect. Hell, it doesn't even have to be pretty. I always say I want to be crafty, and I think I am very capable of making an art piece that I would put up as a decoration and I think it will be a ton of fun.

17. Explore religion - I am not a religious person. I won't go into details here, (I will later, I promise ;)) but I do believe in God. Lately, I have been wanting to put myself out there and explore a more religious path. I am not promising I'll find anything, or even like it. However, I want to give myself the chance to figure it out.

18. Learn to bake - I can cook like a champ. When I want to. I have never baked though. Other than cutting chunks of cookie dough off the block and throwing them in the oven. I want to learn to make homemade cheesecake and brownies. My sweet tooth is talking now…

19. Read all of the books I own - My book collection is a little intense. I adore books. I adore reading. I also have a horrible, horrible habit of buying about five books every time I go shopping. This leads to more and more books piling up. As much as I love my books, it's an embarrassment that I own ones that i've never read, and that needs to change.

20. Start scrapbooking - Mentioned above, but it deserves it's own place on the list. My senior year of high school I made my dad a scrapbook for Christmas. It was so much fun! I would love to start scrapbooking my life now. I think it would be so fun to be able to look back on all those memories, and show my kids. It also helps you remember the little things that often slip away.

21. Find my passion, and pursue it - I am still waiting for that "ah-ha" moment I guess. I'm going to school to be a nurse, and I love it and will be good at it. I'm still trying to figure out if this is the path I'm supposed to be following though.

22. Find a reason to love winter - I live in an area that we get all four season. I absolutely adore it, and couldn't imagine living anywhere else. I used to snowboard, but gave it up in high school because of basketball. I would love to find a new reason to love the winter, instead of just counting the days until it's warm enough to wear dresses and go to the river.

23. Go skydiving - I have always wanted to do this! Perhaps putting it on this little list will help push me to take the leap, literally, and actually do it!

24. Get rid of the things I don't actually want/need - I am becoming my parents. As much as I make fun of them for their hoarding ways, I am slowly but surely becoming exactly like them. I need to sit down and get rid of all the crap that I don't need. (ex: clothes that will never again fit me in this lifetime.) What can I say, I'm an optimist.

25. Go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter - I am madly and completely obsessed with Harry Potter. I have a wand tattooed on my index finger. I would almost be willing to cut off an appendage in exchange for a few days in this magical Harry Potter land they've created on the other side of the United States from me.