Wednesday, March 19, 2014

A Letter To You

"i couldn't sleep last night because i know that it's over between us. i'm not bitter anymore, because i know that what we had was real. and if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, i will smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. the best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. that's what i hope to give to you forever. i love you. i'll be seeing you."


Well, this is something I never thought i'd have to do. Something i'd never have to write. To be honest, I don't know if I truly believe that you are gone. While our relationship ended years ago, you have never left me. You probably never will. Things that happened a lifetime ago I find myself reliving. The good times. Like when we camped in sleeping bags in the bed of your pickup. I don't think we got much sleep. We talked for hours under those stars. When we got our precious Laycee. She was so little. She lit up both of our lives. How many times did I cook you that homemade tomato soup? Probably close to twenty, it was your favorite. Falling asleep to the same things every single night. Joe Dirt, Blow, Super Troopers. They were VHS because our TV in the bedroom was so old a DVD player wouldn't hook up to it. Christmas morning. Waking up together and to my gun you had hidden under the bed. Going hunting together, seeing your face light up in those woods. You glaring at me when I would break branches. Our home was filled with laughter and joy. My many dinner fails, like the cube steak that the breading fell off of. You taught me so much. You were there for so many things. So many firsts. My first deer, first person I lived with, first weim, first person I thought I would marry. First love. First heart break. Some of my darkest days. Sadness. So much sadness. So much growth. So young, so naive. So in love. When you love somebody, that never goes away. When I heard the news, it broke my heart all over again. This is probably one of the hardest things i've been through. We loved each other, deeply. We parted ways. I got better. You got worse. How can I be the happiest i've ever been, and you were so sad you took your life. Why me? Why you? You were doing so great. I loved hearing from your family and friends. You had that smile back they said. You had that laughter, that humor that you were known by. What went wrong? And why? I guess we will never know. Maybe we aren't supposed to know. Maybe this all has meaning. I do know that I loved you. You will always own a piece of my heart. I will keep you there. Your crazy hair and beautiful eyes. That smile that could light up a room. God, that smile. You were ridiculous, funny, kind, loving, beautiful. I will never forget that. I will never forget you. Without you, I would not be where I am. Who I am. How can I thank you for letting me go and giving me the best person i've ever known? For giving me the happiness you always wished upon me. I am sorry that you couldn't find the same. That you looked for happiness and found more sadness and pain. I am sorry that your beautiful niece and nephew will not get to grow up and know the amazing uncle they had. I am sorry that you will never be a father. What a father you would have been. I am sorry that I couldn't help you. That no one could have. Just know I will think of you often. And every time I crack open a Miller Lite or watch the sunset on top of Bloom Peak or get my car new shoes I will know that you are looking down on me.

I loved you then. I love you now. I will love you always.

"maybe your first love is the one that sticks with you because it's the only person who will ever receive all of you. after that, you learn better. but, most of all, no matter what, a piece of you forever remains left behind in the heart of the one you loved - a piece no future lover could ever get, no matter what. that piece holds innocence, the belief that love really can last forever. it holds friendship and pain, trail and error, that one kiss you'll never forget, and that night under the stars you can never get back. it holds youth and everything you thought love would be."